Apple Crisp Attempt #1

So what did I do with all of those apples that I picked? Apple Crisp, of course! Now, I've never made apple crisp before, but I remember it being a favorite dish when I was a wee lad. It was time to attempt a recreation of that childhood memory.

Naturally, I used the Internet for the entirety of my research, rather than consulting with family members. The majority of the recipes that I found seemed nearly identical: toss some sliced apples in cinnamon and/or sugar, top with struessel, and bake for 45 minutes at 350-400F. It seemed simple enough.

My struessel was comprised of a cup of flour, 1/4 cup white sugar, 1/4 cup light brown sugar, 3/4 teaspoon cinnamon, 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg and a pinch of salt. Oh, and butter. Six tablespoons of cold, cubed butter, to be exact. If I had a stand mixer, I would have used the paddle attachment to mix it all together so that there were still chunks of butter amidst a bowl of a not-very-mixed looking mixture. If you get to the stage where it looks like wet sand, then you've gone to far. Since I don't have a stand mixer, I had to cut in the cold butter by hand.

I peeled and sliced seven large apples, and tossed them in 1/2 cup light brown sugar and 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon. I sprayed a 9x13 Pyrex baking pan, poured in my apples, sprinkled with all of that streussel and tossed it in a 350F oven for 45 minutes. That's it! So simple.

Infortunately, simplicity is not always the right answer. This was not my mom's apple crisp. Don't get me wrong, it was good and all. But I remember more of a pie-like texture, something where there was a thick gooeyness coating the apples, which had softened in the oven, but hadn't gone mushy. I also remember the topping being, well, crispy. The topping was... well, not quite crispy. Good, but not crispy. Rather than an appley gooey coating, there was a pool of what I imagine is sugary liquid apple goodness that just wouldn't scoop with the rest of the crisp.

Oh, it was good. Even the landlord agreed. But it wasn't quite what I wanted. Fortunately, there are apples aplenty still on the tree. I will investigate further as soon as I can.

Peach Salsa

So what did I do with all those peaches? Well, I'll tell you what I did with some of them: peach salsa! This ended up being kind of a "refrigerator magnet" dish. I had a bunch of chiles that needed to be used up, and a bunch of peaches that were screaming for attention.

Peach Salsa

1 red bell pepper, diced
1 poblano, diced
1 jalapeno, diced
2 cubanelle chiles, diced
1/2 small onion, diced
10 small peaches, peeled and diced
juice of one lime
1 handful cilantro, chopped fine
pinch kosher salt

Combine in a bowl. That's it! Okay, so I didn't have any cilantro. It's tragic, really. But it was pretty dang good anyway. This made, well, it made a lot of salsa. In fact, it made dang near half a gallon. Go easy on the onion, it has a tendency to take over fruit-based salsas like this one. In fact, if I had had some green onions laying around, I would have added some of that instead, since they have a much milder flavor. Still, this stuff is good. No, you can't have any of mine. Go make your own.

Millions of peaches, peaches for free...

If there were any doubts in my wife's mind that I was completely insane, I believe I have now managed to relieve her of them.

Let me start at the beginning. When I got home yesterday, I saw what looked like a peach sitting in the gutter in front of our house. When I got out of my car, I discovered that it was, in fact, a peach. Just sitting there by the curb. I looked around and saw what I was now expecting, yet had never bothered to see before: peach tree leaves. There was a peach tree on the property. I looked closer and discovered that it was full of peaches.

I picked a peach and went a knocking on the landlord's door. "I thought we were friends," I demanded when he opened the door. His confused look turned to understanding as I showed him the peach that I had just picked. "Yeah," he replied. "I'm too lazy to pick them. Have at 'em if you want. And while you're at it, feel free to take as many apples and plums as you want. No cherries this year, though."

Now, I had seen the apples prior to this, and had wondered about them. The house we live in has two driveways, one for the carport that we park in, and one for the garage where the landlord parks his car. His driveway had what appeared from a distance to be apples strewn across it, but I had never bothered to investigate. This was about to change. But first, the peaches.

The peaches were easy to get to. Despite there being only one tree, and a small tree at that, my harvest was bountiful. I had picked a good two or three dozen before I decided that there were no more to pick. I brought them inside, grabbed another bag, and went to investigate the rest of the fruit trees. The apples were many. The plums were tiny. The cherries were non-existant. I decided to focus my energies on the apples. Unfortunately, they seemed a bit high. In fact, I could see dozens of apples several feel beyond my reach. Glancing in my landlord's garage, I saw a ladder. Unfortunately, it looked like the kind that needed to lean against something, so I decided not to ask to borrow it. I decided another solution was needed. What I needed was a claw.

Fortunately, I haven't spent my whole life in the kitchen. In fact, I haven't spent most of my life in the kitchen. As it turns out, I'm a hardware hacker. I went inside and considered my resources. Before long I had collected a few feet of PVC pipe left over from another project, a pair of small serving tongs, some rubber bands and a spool of butchers twine. I assembled them into something that looked like this:



The idea is simple. I tied one end of the twine to the hinge of the tongs, and threaded the rest of it through. I made a slipknot at the other end to tied it to a finger and keep it from falling out. I put rubber bands on the ends of the tongs to keep the metal from cutting into the apples. The idea is simple: I set the hinged end on the top of the tube, holding it in place by pulling the twine tight. I would reach the tongs into the tree, grab an apple, and pull the twine. This would pull the tongs into the pipe, which would close the tongs, and they would clamp onto the apple, which I would gently pick and lower down to my greedy hands.

And this was what I was doing when my wife got home from work. She approached me with a look of confusion and amusement, and wanted to know what the heck I was doing. I explained my quest for free fruit to her, and the workings of my claw. She informed me that it would never work, and asked me how many apples I had managed to get already. I showed her the one apple that I had managed to retrieve so far. She helped me find another good apple and then went inside. I managed to pull down one more good apple before stopping.

This was a nice theory, but with only three good apples and countless wormy/birdpecked apples, I knew I needed a better plan. As it turns out, apples don't release from their branches nearly as easily as peaches. In fact, they have quite a grip. I went back inside and reconsidered my options. Grabbing the apples with the claw was tough, but I would occassionally shake the tree enough that apples that I wasn't even looking at would fall. What I needed was a way to shake apples off, and then gently catch them before they hit the ground.

I removed the tongs from my pipe and used duct tape to attach the ring from a small springform pan. Heck, I never use that size anyway. I then used masking tape to attach a plastic shopping bag to the ring, and I was ready. It looked something like this:



I showed my wife, who again informed me that it wasn't going to work. She still had that look of amusement in her eyes. I went back outside and reconsidered my new nemesis, the apple tree. The idea was simple: I would guide the bag under an apple, then try to knock it free with either the end of the pipe or the ring. As it turns out, this was much faster. In less time than it took for me to grag three good apples with the claw, I had managed to grab seven good apples with my bag, and at least as many bad apples. I already didn't know what I was going to do with ten apples of indeterminate variety, so I decided to give it a rest for now. My bag was already starting to get hashed up anyway.

There are still dozens of apples in the tree. Most of them are obviously worm-ridden, but I know there's still a few more good apples. As soon as I know what I'm going to do with them, I plan to pick more. One day, and apple farmer is going to read this post and laugh his butt off. In fact, I doubt he'll be the only one. Maybe it's time for me to track down an apple farmer and find out how he goes about picking apples. But for now, my methods will have to suffice. But next time I think I'll try and get it done before my wife gets home. I don't want her to have me committed before I finish.

PLUG's 10th Birthday!

I have an announcement for the local geek public. This will shortly be announced by Jayce and then by PLUG (the Provo Linux Users Group), but I wanted to beat them to the punch.

"Join PLUG in September as we celebrate our 10th birthday! That's right, the Provo Linux Users Group turns 10 years old this year. To celebrate, hacker chef Joseph Hall will be bringing a 3D cake in the shape of our favorite Linux mascot, Tux. The cake will feature chocolate from Orem's new chocolate factory, Amano Artisan Chocolate, one of the very few chocolate factories in the United States that actually creates their chocolate directly from the bean. Amano is also possibly the only chocolate factory in the country, if not the world, owned and operated by a computer geek, Art Pollard. There will be a discussion of what went into the construction of the cake before we cut into it. Make sure to bring your cameras, for this will truly be a sight to behold. This won't be a small cake, so by all means come and help finish it off, along with the ice cream that will also be provided!"

The aforementioned cake will not be an easy feat, especially since I have never built a 3D cake before, unless you count the practice Tux head that I did recently. As you know from that post, I don't like fondant. I think it tastes horrible. So I have gotten together with Art to get enough Amano chocolate to cover Tux in modelling chocolate instead of fondant. With any luck, I'll have enough chocolate left over for samples.

The PLUG meeting/birthday party will be Wednesday, September 13 at 7:30pm. We will be meeting in the United Online office in building Q at 1253 North Research Way, in Orem, UT. For additional details, keep an eye on PLUG's official website.

Lessons in Service from Charlie Trotter

I don't get to read as often as I like. Sometimes it will take me months to finish a particular book, especially if I have three or four that I'm working on at the same time. It's not often that I finish a book in less than a week, but Lessons in Service from Charlie Trotter by Edmund Lawler was an exception.

Charlie Trotter owns a restaurant which is not only one of the most famous in Chicago, it's also one of the most famous in the world. At $125 (per person) for the grand degustation menu, not counting tax and tip, it's a little richer than most people are used to. But consider this: a standard meal takes anywhere from three to four hours, and can include anywhere from seven to fifteen courses. The menu can be completely customized and even abandoned at the whim of the guest. But most importantly, every guest, regardless of social status, will be given exactly the same royal treatment as any other guest. Indeed, Charlie Trotter's is a restaurant built upon the best food accompanied by the best service.

Lawler spent countless hours observing and interviewing employees from all areas of the restaurant. Servers do not wear uniforms at Charlie Trotter's. Rather, they wear suits. They go well beyond the concept of "the customer is always right". They realize that without they customer, they would have no business at all. When a server sees a guest sneeze, they do not ask the guest if they need a tissue. They go to the restroom and grab a couple of tissues and bring them to the guest. If they overhear a guest mention that this visit is because of a birthday, you can bet money that a special course will show up at the table for no extra charge. Food allergies are taken very seriously at Trotter's, and the staff will ensure that every step is taken to ensure a customer is not at risk, all the way back to using a different cutting board and knife to prepare that customer's meal. Every need is anticipated.

Something that truly impressed me was the policy concerning recipes. The story of the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe has flooded the Internet for years, yet you will never find any "secret recipes" at Charlie Trotter's. It would seem that any recipe may be requested by the guest, and staff has even gone out of the way to compile recipes that had been created impromptu by Chef Trotter at special events. One guest even called to ask for help with a "top secret" recipe for chocolate black shephard pie that they had at a different restaurant. The staff member walked the guest through the various steps that might be taken to reproduce such a recipe. Yes, that's right my computer geek friends: whether or not they realize it, Charlie Trotter's is actually an open source restaurant. In fact, every area of the restaurant is open to guests, from the million dollar wine cellar to the studio kitchen that Trotter tapes his PBS cooking show in.

Particularly valuable are the service points discussed at the end of each chapter. Indeed, this is not a culinary book, but in fact a book discussing service techniques. The major underlying theme of this book is not the greatness of Trotter's food, but in fact the greatness of his service. Most, if not all of these techniques can be applied not only to the food service industry, but to any industry. Most of what the food staff does costs little, if anything, but makes all the difference.

It wouldn't be right of me to ignore Trotter's various philanthropical gestures, from culinary education for local schools and culinary students alike, to an older woman who lived in the neighborhood who was weak and frail, and unable to leave the house much. A member of Trotter's staff would bring the woman a meal each night, and on special occassions they would bring her into the restaurant and give her the royal treatment. She never paid a dime for any of this. According to Lawler, "The woman, who died in 2000, has never been a customer. Just a neighbor."

This is a fabulous book, both for its stories and its service points. I highly recommend it for, well, anyone. The more principles you apply in your everyday dealings, the more loyal your customers will be, and the more the customers will become your friends.

New Wallpaper: Mushrooms

Back when I was in cooking school in New Hampshire, our student apartments had a large, heavily forested backyard. When it rained, there were a lot of mushrooms. I went foraging a handful of times, not to pick mushrooms, but to photograph them. Recently I stumbled upon my old photographs and decided some of them would make some pretty decent wallpaper.

I've decided to file these photos under their own category, instead of mixing them in with the food. This is primarily because most of my mushroom photos are of poisonous varieties. In fact, two that were identified for me by a teacher, Chef Ross, are the Destroying Angel and the Panther Cap, which are sypposed to be two of the deadliest mushrooms in the world.

The other mushrooms are not yet identified. If anyone happens to know what they are, I would love to know so that I can label them appropriately. The new mushroom wallpaper is now located here, and the food wallpaper has been moved here. As always you can get to any of my wallpaper by clicking the "wallpaper" link on the right side of the page.

Keeping stats clean with mod_security

Anyone that really knows me knows that I tend to be a bit obessive-compulsive at times. I know that at least part of it came from working at the bakery at a ski resort, especially during the week between Christmas and New Years. We baked a lot of cookies, especially during that week. They took about 19 - 22 minutes to bake, and by the end of the season I had managed to set my mental timer for about 18 minutes.

Something else that I can be a little obsessive-compulsive on is checking my web stats. I've gotten better lately, but it was pretty bad for a while. One thing that really bugs me is when spammers screw up my stats with what's called "referer spam" (and yes, that's how web servers spell referrer). You see, when you click on a link to my site from another site, your web browser tells me what that site is. This is really handy for a lot of things, such as when a person's site is really slow; they can look at their stats and be able to tell whether they're being Slashdotted or not. Even better, the stats program that I use gives me a report with a bunch of links that I can click on to look at referring sites.

Here's the kicker. There are more browsers out there than you can imagine. Some of these are called spiders, because they crawl the web for you (get it?) without you necessarily having to watch them the whole time. Sites like Google do this to build their database, so that when you search for something, they have enough search results for you. But spammers use spiders to do things like harvest email addresses and other information. And since they control the spiders, they control the "referer address" that the spider reports to the site. Some spammers like to put links to icky spammer sites in there, in the hopes that the person in charge of the site will leave their web stats out in the open for just anyone to see.

This is where mod_security comes in. Like most webmasters (statistically speaking), I run Apache as my web server software. It may have had a little bit of a learning curve when I started (though much less than I expected), but I've found it offers a great deal of flexibility and security. One of the nice things you can do is just add or remove modules, depending on what you're going for. I recently added mod_security to help battle referer spam. It allowed me to add a blacklist to block not only referer spam, but also comment spam. I remember the first time somebody posted an advertisement to their commercial MySpace site in one of my comments. I first deleted the comment, and then added Blogger's Captcha feature to keep that from happening again. I later added mod_security.

Every so often I find a new spammer in my referer stats and have to add it to my blacklist. In addition to literally thousands of sites that came with my mod_security blacklist, I have added 14 more sites on my own. If you know how to run apache, setting up mod_security is an easy thing. In fact, from the time I clicked download, it took me less than five minutes. Go ahead and check it out.