blog.josephhall.com

While reading today's post at the XKCD blag, I found a reference to a comic from a couple of months ago about the TSA. I knew that the TSA had been challenged on said comic [citation needed], but I didn't know that they had responded.

In the time that I worked for Guru Labs, I spent a lot of time at airports. I learned a lot about air travel, and especially about the TSA. I thought I'd share some of the experience that I've picked up, to hopefully make some body's life a little easier.

The vast majority of TSA agents that I've had to deal with seem to be kids that got beat up in high school a lot, and are now getting their revenge. Not all TSA agents are like this, of course. There are plenty that are helpful, friendly, and generally on the ball. Most of the good ones that I have found seem to be in some kind of supervisor position, but not all. The ones that got beat up a lot in high school are the ones you need to understand.

You see, they seem to think that now that they are in a position of power and authority, that they can throw their weight around and intimidate people that remind them of high school bullies. It's not so much that they're power hungry, they're just looking for vindication. But they look in the easy places. And fortunately for them, the easy places correspond with the profiling that their job requires. The TSA may claim that they don't profile, but they'd be stupid not to. They just don't profile people the way we think they do.

Contrary to popular belief, they're not looking for turbans. They don't care what color your skin is. They're looking for (among other things) nervous people who look like they have something to hide. This is good from a security standpoint. But the high school kid in them also seems to be looking for somebody to push around. Hey, if you had to sit around all day watching X-rays, you'd get bored too.

It took a few trips, but I eventually formed the persona that I would use at airport security. Polite, respectful, occasionally friendly, but for the most part dismissive. Oh, and efficient. When you get to the metal detectors, you should already have your pockets emptied into an easily accessible part of your luggage. You should have your shoes off (or at least untied), and your laptop ready to be taken out of your bag. Everything should be ready to go on the belt, and you should be ready to pass through the detector without causing the agent any problems.

Occasionally, your luggage will contain something that the X-ray agent thinks is worth taking a look at. I'll get to some of my own stories in a moment. If this happens to you, politely and respectfully comply with the TSA agent. In my case, I add in a little bit of boredom that says, "seen it, done it, nothing new". When you start challenging the TSA agent, you risk looking like that bully that beat them up in high school a lot. And really, when it comes down to it, you knew the rules before you showed up. If you didn't bother looking them up, then you're an idiot.

Many TSA agents will just finish their job and move on. But I have seen some visibly deflated by not being able to play their game of retribution on me. The disappointment of not being able to push that high school bully back was visible and obvious. It's time for them to let you get to your gate, and they have a job to do anyway. Rules are rules, and you haven't broken any of them.

Speaking of rules, these are pretty important. Yes, a good number of the rules are asinine and should be challenged. The securitty checkpoint is not the place to challenge these. The agents have NO AUTHORITY to change the rules. The rules aren't meant to be flexible, they're meant to be followed. Yes, they realize that your 5 oz tube of lotion may obviously contain only an ounce or two. But the rule isn't "a container with 3.4 oz or less", it's "a container than can hold no more than 3.4 oz". If you really want to bring that lotion with you, find it a smaller container. Most grocery and drug stores in my area have a travel section of their pharmacy that can help you out.

So follow the rules while they are in place, and if you want to get them changed, write your congressperson or something. Treat the TSA employees with the same amount of respect and politeness that you should treat anybody else with, and they will generally do the same for you. And if they don't, you have the right to demand to talk to their supervisor. Personally, I've never had to do that. They tend to leave me alone. But I have had some small encounters.

Salami, Salami, Balony

When I grew up, I remember my dad being a big fan of dry salami. He'd frequently buy these tubes of it covered in some white stuff (mold, as I later discovered) that he would peel off before slicing off a few pieces. This style of salami has being increasingly difficult to find in Utah. One day in the San Jose area, I found a big ol' stick of the stuff, and bought it to bring home to him. Little did I realize that to the X-ray, it probably looked like a club of some sort, strictly forbidden by TSA rules.

Of course I was stopped at the X-ray. It was in my carry-on luggage because I don't check my luggage (there's only two types of luggage: carry-on and lost). My bag was full of clothes and computer books, but the salami was on top. The TSA agent had already told me I could put on my shoes, so I did so while almost completely ignoring him looking through my bag. Occasionally I would glance over, and I saw that he found the salami almost immediately, and gave a look that said "that's probably what they were worried about". After a layer or two of books, and the realization that I was just letting him do his job and not even remotely worried about what he might find, he gave up, without even making it halfway through my bag. He looked a little deflated. He gave my bag back and wished me a good flight.

"But It's Just Candy"

One day in Phoenix, I bought a tube of marzipan. I didn't get a change to open it beforehand, so I just stuffed in in my bag. Of course the X-rays identified it as a paste (almond paste, to be exact), so they pulled it out. I told them, "but it's just almond candy", but it fell on deaf ears, and I didn't want to push the issue.

I was told that I had three options: I could check my bag with the airline, or I could walk down to the airport post office and ship it home. With either of these options, I would get a TSA escort, so that I wouldn't have to wait in line when I came back. My last option was to throw it away, which is what I did. The TSA agent was confused, and reiterated that with either of the other options, I could keep my marzipan. My reasoning was this: I was flying on Skywest, and they are the principle reason why I don't check bags. And mailing my marzipan back home would have cost more than just buying another tube when I got home. The TSA agent was perplexed, but he let me chuck the marzipan and gave me no more trouble.

Darts

I have a travel kit of tech tools that I never leave home without. I keep them in a bag in my trunk, and when I fly, I take a TSA-safe version with me. One of the tools I used to have was a mini-screwdriver, with removable bits. I had taken it with me on dozens of trips with no incident. But one day I arrived at security while it was particularly slow (about 3 or 4 agents per passenger). A bored agent with way too much time on his hands saw my screwdrivers (I had two of them with me) and thought they looked like darts. And while the pocket that I kept them in was easy to access and obvious to me, it took the agent several minutes to find them. And as per TSA rules, I wasn't able to help. Once he found them, he realized his mistake, told me he thought they were darts, and allowed me to move on.

Just Chocolate

When I was in Montreal, I found some excellent French chocolate, and I bought plenty of it. On the way back, going through customs, I declared that I was bringing food over the border with me. When I went through security, I was stopped at the X-ray. I was asked if I was bringing back anything with me that I didn't bring with me. I said, "yes, chocolate". They asked if that was the food that I declared, and I responded affirmatively. As they inspected my bag, chocolate kept falling out of various pockets. Towards the end of the screening, they were more amused than anything. I was sent back to America with a smile.